For once, I’m writing this post to you with no direction, no ideas and no structure. I’m writing with purpose yes, but for some reason I can’t seem to process my thoughts and fingers fast enough to convey exactly how I’m feeling. My fingers don’t flow on my keypad as well as they normally do, and I’m not even looking out for opportunities to put some humour in here and there, it just all seems very different to me, as if I’m in a foreign territory.
Now, I used to end my last posts with ‘keeping it PG’ which in my mind means keeping it real. However, I have not been real to you all for awhile. I haven’t been as honest as I should have been and to be frank, I haven’t seen a reason why I should need to be. Don’t get me wrong, everything I have written has been by me, my ideas, my thoughts, my views, my lessons but I haven’t been open about where they were coming from. I haven’t been open about the feelings I’ve had concerning my blog and me writing. Now, I’m sure some of you will think ‘yeah, it’s a wrap, no more weekly doses of my blog posts’ and I hate to confirm this fear, but you’re right.
Let me take you back in time with me, to the point where I started writing. It was about 3 years ago, I remember I was facing probably my first ever real heartbreak, a close friend had betrayed me, I felt the church had failed me and to be honest, nothing seemed to be going right. So randomly, since I no longer kept a diary due to the fear of someone reading it, I decided to jot my thoughts down on my phone. I expressed how I felt about life, family, my appearance, guys, everything and that can be seen in the post ‘A chapter of a novel’. But then one day, a friend went through my phone and stumbled across this extract along with a few others and suggested I upload my thoughts onto an online diary kind of thing, a blog. Of course, being me, I prolonged it, I was scared, mindful but the only assurance I had was that it was for me, it was an essential part of my healing and growing process, so I did; unaware of the fact that in the coming months I would have a following and countless views. Now, it was all fun at first, putting out content relating to my own personal life but then it began to feel like a chore. I was constantly trying to keep up with my deadlines of having a post out a week, constantly looking out for lessons I could learn in any and every situation and forever struggling to strike the balance between being overly secretive and private. I no longer felt I could be as open and vulnerable as I once was due to the fear of being questioned or the information getting into the wrong hands. The blog was a release for me, the only thing that helped me at a time of desperate need, it wasn’t meant to be for others.
Now let’s get back to now, this exact moment in time, September 7th 2016 at 10:13am whilst I sit at my desk at work. This blog has been such a blessing for me in my life, it’s helped me become the person I am today because at times it acted as a letter and very often my only communication to God in periods where I struggled to pray. This blog has been me sharing my wounds, struggles and failures that life had beaten me with and made me so accustomed to. Now although, I am addressing this to you as an end of an era, I am certain that my faith in the journey and detours of life is not yet over but has now just taken a new direction.
So what do I want to leave you guys with? A lesson as always!
In some ways, yes you can say I’m giving up or I’m failing my regular readers and trust me, I know all of this but for me, it’s so important to be honest. I have been very discouraged, very unmotivated, very apprehensive to put myself out there again. I guess with growing older, a lot more problems are presented to you, problems detailing my future, my future life partner, friendships, health, education, employment etc. It’s no longer fun and games but more real life crisis’. The funny thing is this, the moment I wanted to give up, I received a nudge, more of an aggressive nudge, but from who? We can say life, my conscience, but I say God, and it just reminded me of how ungrateful I have been. Yes, the original plan for this blog was for myself, it was all about me, selfish I know. However I have been given the opportunity to impact people’s lives by sharing a bit about myself, and for me, that’s more than I ever bargained for and its touched way more people than I ever thought. This blog has been one of my greatest achievements, I’ve tapped into a gift and talent I didn’t even know I possessed. And for many of you that didn’t know, English was one of my weakest subjects during my GCSE’s, something I promised I would never pursue in future even though I eventually worked hard enough to be awarded an A/A*. Sometimes, the plans we have for ourselves are tiny compared to the plans God has for us and that has only been revealed to me now!
So Thank you to everyone who has supported me on my journey, you made a dream I never had for myself, materialize. You pushed me closer to my first love, God and activated another love in my life, writing. To me, love can now be described to me as when my reality is better than my dreams and through this blog and the support/encouragement and blessings I have received, I can openly say that this is my reality right now. So for that, I am and will be forever grateful to you all.
Once again, Thank you.